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so... I went on a date today...  It was really refreshing to finally get reminded how wonderful I am... ha ha ha.  It's great to hear compliments about myself again, that was really wonderful.  But, I know I don't need other people's approval to find myself worthy or important....  It's just great to get out and have a nice date again nevertheless.... the wonderful feelings washing over me, the feeling of youth, flirtatious moments and being pampered... ahhhh hmmmm.... it's wonderful.  It was a nice date, I didn't feel pressured to do anything, especially since I made it clear that I was leaving in a month, and I wasn't looking for a long-term relationship or even marriage.  And this time, I won't be convinced otherwise, (one thing I did learn from all that's happened).  What I found really adorable, was that he waited for me in the rain, and when I saw him standing on that step, I got the sweetest impression.  Gosh, this guy is really sweet.  I was running late as usual (ha ha, yeah, isn't that true, Jen and Tony?) and when he called, I apologized, and he later told me that he thought I wasn't coming out...  awwwhhh, isn't that really sweetly sad?...  He is a really honest man, and a really sweet one, and for some reason I find that kind of sweet...  Well, back to the date...  so he took me to the biggest shopping center in Korea, and we watched a movie there, what I find so interesting is that he bought the tickets in advance, but he chose the movie, and well, I thought that was a little weird, but later I find out that he doesn't even like romantic comedies, but he thought I would like it, so he picked it, isn't that oddly sweet?  Well, then he took me to the park, and he wanted to take pictures of me... ha ha...  Then we drove like 1 1/2 just to have the best hot Korean style stew... pretty cool, but another cute thing is that he couldn't find it right away and we drove around for a while longer, and while we ate, he didn't say anything, and I oddly wasn't uncomfortable...  I felt pretty comfortable with him, actually.  Well, then he took me home in time for me to watch my soap... ha ha.  An 8 hour date that didn't seem like it was that long...  Well, I know for sure I don't want to fall in love just yet, but it's great to remember how wonderful and sweet I am... ha ha ha, are you guys laughing right about now?  Well, I'm not sure if I mentioned I will be teaching starting tomorrow, so I must now go to bed...  Sweet Dreams guys, whereever you are...

 
Hey Guys,

Sorry it's taken so long to get this thing updated...  It's pretty busy here, I went on a trip down to the countryside, where there are a ton of rivers, some full of mud and some are beaches, it's really like a picture here, sooo beautiful.  I had so much fun hanging out with my Cousins here, and mountain climbing ( I thought I was going to die)  ha ha.  but i was okay, there were some pretty intense sections that I had to climb using a rope and it was scary looking down, thinking that one wrong step could result in my instant and unexpected fall to my death, ouch! Pretty intense, but soooo much fun.  After my very intense adventure, I fell down with total body exhaustion...  Oh, how nice to feel completely and utterly spent, almost like what it feels like after... well, I'm sure you know. 

A friend asked me to go bungee jumping with him, but... I'm a little scared, what if I get paralyzed?  Ha ha.  Well, I've also gotten a part time job to fill the daytime, since everyone that I know is pretty busy then...  I will be teaching an intensive English course to 10 little first graders.  Yikes...  I'm a little scared, and I start on Monday, so cross your fingers for me.  Well, I miss you guys a ton, and I wish I could go back to Berkeley for good, but as of now, I don't know where I'll end up exactly.  I trust everything is well? 

 
Today I met a new friend online, for once I found one that can speak English really well. He seems interesting enough. He even showed me a link to his website with pictures of him on it, and he's pretty good looking. We haven't decided when to meet yet, but we will be talking on the phone soon. Hmmm.... How weird and how safe is it to meet someone on the internet these days? Well, and in Korea. I'm not too scared. What the hell, it's not like young kids here drive around cars or anything, so, we would always be taking public transportation, and well, we'll probably meet at a coffee shop or something, well, if any of you have any suggestions on where to meet this new guy, and what to do, let me know.... except for some reason I can't log into my blog website itself, so I can't read any of your comments, so you'll have to wait. It's weird, I can't log into any website that has the ending (blogspot.com) for some reason, except that doesn't make sense, since I can log into Jennifer's.
Well, nothing really new going on here, trying to keep busy taking Korean lessons, teaching Korean, exercising, and enjoying my extended family's company before I have to leave. Does anyone have a suggestion on what present I should get my little niece who's turning two? Hmmm... Anyhow, pray guys that I don't get lost on the subway, which is confusing in terms of what direction to take, but I will try to be strong... ha ha and make it safe and sound to where the party is, and later to meet the new guy... Will it be awkward? We'll see. Well, I miss you all so much! Tony, I hope everything is going alright with you... Jennifer, how is your internship? I trust everything is perfect? Kinman, you're probably good as always... Eric, same ole? Well, take care guys, and love you lots... Muah Muah....

 
I went to a large feast in honor of my grandmother's brother's wife, who is that to me anyways? It was really cool, I got to meet family on my grandmother's side, which I'm not sure, I guess that's my dad's side. I have been going through a culture shock, for sure. I am realizing more and more that I don't belong anywhere. I guess this sounds much bleaker than I actually mean, but well, what I mean is that I'm not completely American and I'm not completely Korean. Staying here in my motherland is confusing me even more. I'm realizing the stark contrast between how people operate here, and what people believe, and it is bringing doubt into what I consider as the truth. As a little girl, I remember vowing to myself that I would always consider every angle when making a decision, and with this onslaught of new ideas flooding me, I am having an interesting time interpreting and absorbing everything.

For example, my belief to date has always been to marry the one that you love more than life itself. To hold these standards and romantic ideals when it comes to love, to the point that you would end up alone if that perfect one never appeared. But of course there's always the faith that the one will show itself... But, spending time here with my married cousins and absorbing their way of life, I wonder what love really is and how it actually manifests itself in married life? I mean, yeah I've grown up in American society and I've watched the tv programs and been around "normal" American families, and I've learned that that romantic love is what Americans are supposed to seek. And when the love fades, parents rarely stay married for the kids. And well, it is almost the same in Korea in the sense that people are looking for love and they want to marry for love, so the principles of romantic love are present. But once marriage takes place, it is not always the same, especially when a child is born. But what I'm wondering is: Is this change that married couples that have once loved each other wildly a change that takes place because of Korean culture or because its is a normal change that all couples go through no matter what their upbringing is?

I started thinking this once I had a conversation with my cousin that has a two year old daughter. I guess I also can't try to assume the she is a representative sample of Korean culture, but I am picking this attitude in almost every couple I encounter here, and also Korean couples back home. So it is sufficient enough for me to question this. Anyhow, she said that she did love her husband before they were married. I mean, they were a courting based marriage instead of an arranged introduction marriage. But she said that the love that we originally feel for our partners is at the beginning a full pie, but in time when a child is born, a part of the father's love pie is taken away and given to the child. And when the next child in born and then the next and then the next, the love for the husband is again proportionally taken away and given to the child, instead of splitting the love existing from the first child between the other children being created. What does all this mean? Does all this mean the dark stark truth? Or is it just a different way of looking at it, but the essential result or conclusion is the same? And who is to say that this is a wrong way to live and love? I mean, love is love, whoever you give it to. Korean culture seems to devote a whole lot to the children; I mean, parents are willing to risk life and limb for their children, and well, children come before spouses. Americans seem to devote a lot to their partners and the large divorce percentage attests to this fact. But who is to say that loving a partner more or loving a child more is right or wrong? Awwwwhhhhh, I just don't know....

 
I am finally getting over Jesse.... I am feeling a little better, a little more independent, a little more sure of myself... A little more content... and hopeful for the future...

 
I've been exchanging emails with my cousin that resides in Southern Korea, in the suburbs. It's been pretty fun writing back and forth, what with him writing me in Korean, and me writing in English. I guess I could attempt to write in Korean, but hey, since he's younger than me, it would be embarrassing enough to know that my Korean spelling is just terrible... so I ended up writing in English. But I guess I made him suffer for like an hour and a half looking up my email with a dictionary... ha ha ha... But it was really great talking to him, I recently went down to the suburbs to visit him and his family... let's see, he's related to me through my dad's side, his dad is my dad's older brother, and well he is two years younger than me and his brother is the same age as I am. He lives where the Lee family cememtary is located, it is where my parents will rest once they pass away, and where my grandfather, great grandfather and great great grandfather, and great great great grandfather rest today, well with their wives. I had the weirdest feeling when I climbed up the little hill to their burial site... Almost like I'd finally made it home... I can't explain it completely, it's as if my heart has finally found one thing it's been yearning for... what after so many years... it's a wonderfully emotional cleansing experience... as if I'd been waiting for this all my life... To know that I am not alone in the world, that I actually have so many relatives, even ones that are so distant, is truly reassuring... It's great to finally connect with my roots.
When I went down to the suburbs, they also showed me my family tree, it's really incredible, did you know that there are ten volumes of our family tree? I was so excited to see it! And I'm in it too! I guess in my granfather's day, the women never appeared in the books, the wives were just recorded as descendants of their last name, but their first name was never mentioned, wow, how times have changed, but there is a long way to go, I'm sure. I also finally figured out what the chinese characters to my name is. Pretty cool. And on my grandpa's tombstone, I'm written as a descendant... That's so cool, I'll be remembered forever... This sense of family is so important to me... I'm so lucky to have family, and especially family that was able to risk everything solely for their children's opportunities.... I love my family and my friends dearly... Especially, Jesse, Jennifer, Tony, Kinman and Eric... And all my high school friends... And my oldest best friend, Rita, may your baby be born big and strong--but not too big for you to birth her, alright? I love and miss you guys dearly....