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Today I snapped at a close friend of mine... I feel really bad and I shouldn't have done it, but for once, I think I'm turning into a real human being, what, one that can make mistakes and one that can finally think about herself.

And I had a special reason why I got so upset, well, I got up extra early hoping to get a hold of that person, and one thing that I find so hard to do is expecting people to put out as much as I put out. But I guess I shouldn't hold the other responsible for the actionst that I choose to take. I snapped, and I am angry, Gosh, why the hell do can't I ever control myself around people that I've learned to get attached to completely? It's like, I know that they love me, so I can unload as much of myself upon that person as I need to, and that person should accept it. Why? Well, because I would do no less. I would give that and much, much more for that person...

I have been particularly worried, because I found out today that I have a medical condition. A condition that is not for certain yet, but could led to some serious health problems down the line. it could be something serious now, more test must be done. I am so scared... and he wasn't there for me... And I am the fool for thinking that he would be... always hoping that he would come through, because I believed... But there is nothing for certain and dependable in life, but oneself....

 
Today I snapped at a close friend of mine.... I didn't mean to do it, but I guess it just came out... I was upset since I had woken up early hoping to get a hold of that person, and I even sent word that I was available, but I was ignored. Or so it felt like that. It's really not my place to expect things like this in return. More accurately, I shouldn't go so out of my way for anyone, or else I end up regretting it.

I was particularly upset this time about all this because I found out that I have a medical condition. I really wanted to tell this person that I thought cared about me deeply. I'm not sure exactly to what extent this potential problem goes, but it has me very scared. It could be an easy problem to fix, or it could be a lot larger. And this is why I wanted to tell that person that I cared about what was going on. What's the point of working so hard in your life, if you are at risk for some life threatening disease and you can die mid-effort?

Even if that person cares about you, it's hard to fulfill every need that might arise. And this is something that I must learn to accept. It's hard to come to the realization that you can't depend on anyone... well, I think it is hardest to swallow the pill when you're directly in a situation that no one is there for you. This is a lesson that I seem to forget a lot. Or is it something that I have never learned? Why is this such a hard lesson to learn for me? Why can't I ever find a happy medium in my life? It's always, either all the way, or none at all. Either I don't need anyone, or I need one person with desperation... god damnit!

This is why I don't want to get involved with anyone in the future to this degree. I can't seem to ever moderate it well. I passionately love with all my being, but after the fact, I end up a burnt out piece of ash. And since I can't monitor it well, and frankly, I'm not sure if I ever want to love in a lukewarm fashion... what fun is there in that? So am I destined to love no one without risking everything of myself? I guess I can only hope that the inner me will be strong enough, and it has been the three times I've loved to distraction, to stand having my heart ripped out, however unintentional. But if the trend continues of the love I feel for these people deepening with each new instance, and the recovery time being more difficult and taking longer each time, will I be able to recover the next time? Will all this be worth it in the end? Will the end, be really worth the risk? It's always so easy to say all of these things in hindsight, what after you have the "one" within your grasp, but, I don't know if I want to live as a shell of a person due to the heartbreak I endured~ No, this is my true fear.

But what of the opposite fear? What if I never find the truly special one, and I end up just settling? Or, what if the one that I think is the one, really isn't? Or scarier still, what if I don't choose "the one" that really is "the one," and I end up alone? So many fears, so little answers, and too many options. I guess I can go on about what ifs forever. I can only hope that I will still hope, for that is the only thing that I can hold on to and go on....

 
One thing I learned since graduating for sure...

Don't trust anyone.... not completely... No one is completely dependable, and emotions and circumstances change... I can only depend and count on myself....

 
A really big day for me is approaching on the day after tomorrow...and it's not the movie!!!

 
I talked to Jen today... What a nasty picture she sent me... I visited Korea University today. It is very beautiful and their shrubbery is so deep forest green and tranquil... Well, besides all of the buzz outside in the city... I went to the business school... Oh, I took pictures of the business school over here, I thought you'd like to see it Kinman... I will upload it here as soon as I can...

 
I woke up really late today... 11 am, and I have this feeling of guilt, like I could have been doing something important or something... I wonder why? Anyhow... Should I get a job with an international firm that also operates in Korea? I want to stay close with my relatives, I've come to love my niece very much... And I would like to watch her grow up...

 
Today is a new day... I feel really good... Like it's been a very long time since I felt this contentment... I am hopeful it will last... I am free...

 
I'm sleepy. I'm a little sad.... My little heart needs mending....

 
Yesterday, I went to the hospital to check on my little nephew. The little one is so strong, he almost punched me in the face once. And he didn't like me in the beginning, but he liked it when I kissed his toes. It is so weird that I'm at an age that I could be someone's little aunt. I actually have a bunch of nieces and nephews. Let's see. Just counting the kids from my dad's oldest brother, I count 5 little kids. Wow. I think they're so adorable. Tomorrow I will meet my other aunt from my mom's side. Let's see. I'm trying to get all these things straight. My dad has 6 siblings. And my mother has 7. So I have a ton of cousins and nieces/nephews all together.

My oldest uncle, who I am now staying with is about 60 years old. Wow, but he still has a head full of black hair. Did I mention before that he has a strong resemblance to my dad? He's really wonderful. He bought me my favorite food last night, and it was really good. Mmmmm.... Everything here is so different. I really love staying here. It is so busy and there are so many people out there. Big buildings and thousands and thousands of people. I can't say that I fit in completely, because I'm American through and through, but it's great to reconnect with family here. I finally feel like I come from something, and that I'm not alone. I'm excited. I miss all of you guys back home though. I will see you all very soon....

 
Hey guys!

Wow, so this is my first post from Korea. I'm so happy to be here. I didn't realize how wonderful it could feel to be with family. My own, my very own family. I didn't realize how much I wanted one for so long. I finally have people that will forever be mine through blood. This is the most amazing feeling ever. Watching Korean tv, and hanging out with my younger cousin from my Dad's side is really cool. I didn't realize how different our customs are. I mean, of course growing up in a Korean family, I know the basics and everything, but I guess you never really have a good idea of what and who you really are until you visit your mother country. There are a ton of things that I don't really know about where I'm from. This trip is really helping. It's really odd. As soon as I got off the plane, or I should say that it was even when I got on the plane that everything seemed so surreal. I was hearing Korean spoken and watching the signs in Korean and I started to get the feeling of total unfamiliarity. Gosh, living in America is so limiting. I mean all of the media and everything that we hear is so slanted and biased in favor of America. Here in Korea, I see a bunch of American channels broadcast as well, and I am surprised. Anyhow, I'm not saying that hate America, I am an American or at least part of my heart is, But we need to be aware that there are other things, ideas, beliefs elsewhere.

Anyhow, yesterday was a pretty low key day. I slept for a while and I met and hung out with my youngest daughter of my oldest uncle from my father's side. That was very cool. Anyways, later on I hung out with her husband and we had a couple of beers, it was very fun. I got to hang out with someone that was related to me!!! I can't tell you how much this means to me. To feel like you're not completely alone in the world. I hope to see the rest of my cousins and stuff. It's really great. I miss all of you, especially Jesse, Jennifer, Tony, Kinman, and Eric. I hope you're all doing well.