I recently dug up a letter I wrote to someone and I thought I'd share a part of it with you all. Here it is.
I realized that the guilt was eating me alive. That is why I was in such a depression last year. NO, no, nobody told me this. I just did a lot of meditation while I was at the retreat. It was great. I realized that in pursuing what I called security, I was pursuing money and choosing that over my happiness and what I may truly be called to do. I just had to realize what was going on. So I felt bewildered into not liking what I was doing, and not being able to concentrate and just get through it. I guess my mindset back then wasn’t I just have to get through this stuff for one year, my heart or my true self thought I was roped into pursuing a career in some form of business that I don’t find appealing.
I don’t know. The retreat really helped me feel better about just doing what I want to do. I just had to let go of the assumption #1 that I am going to be stuck doing something boring just because it makes a lot of money. Or assumption #2 that just because I don’t do business, I won’t make any money. I don’t think that is true anymore.
My goal now is to just pursue what makes me happy. And business is just a tool that will help me get to where I want to go. I just have to finish this year not only because it’s the road that I have chosen, but also because it’s going to help me accomplish my ultimate goals in life. Just because I graduate from business school doesn’t mean I have to have a boring business life. I am going to pursue something fun. Something that I’m great at…. Something that I can apply my creativity to and succeed—be all that I can be.
Right now I feel a little more in control of my life. I know what I have to do. I know that I don’t’ have to do everything, that I am in complete control of certain aspects of my life. I am in control of my actions and how they may affect others. I am also aware of my choice of finishing school or not. Yeah, if I really hate it, I can quit. Right now if I wanted to. But you know what, I’m not going to, because I want to succeed. I don’t want to give up my hard work and start all over, when I don’t even know if that’s going to lead to what I want to do anyways. So I will continue. It’s going to be really really hard. But I feel confident now, because I have my determination and will to do it. That’s what feels so great. This is what makes me feel so happy and on track.
It is nearing the day that I leave for Korea and the day that I leave behind all my very dear Berkeley friends. I didn't think this was going to be be as hard as it actually is. But it is odd to think that all of this "hardship" is actually just going on in my head, and internally so noone can actually notice it. I have done a ton of self reflecting lately and I realize how much I love all of you.
This is especially to Jennifer, the first truly weird, but interesting person that I met at the dorms (ha ha), and one of the most witty and fun loving persons I know. You are an absolute comic angel. You have truly been there for me when I needed you, and I thank you. Remember all those trips to the Tang? or those late nights that we stayed up together talking about nonsense, or those times that I stayed up crying all night because I was upset over something or other and you were there for me? Yeah, I remember and will always remember those fun times we've had together.
How about all those fun times we had burning Roger's shoes? Or when we all confronted him as a group and I told him that he was a "Funnnnccckinnnn' Coward...aaaa fuccker!" for lack of a better explitive. Ha ha. I remember. OR those fun times I had holding your hair when you puked over every single toilet on the third floor of Clark Kerr, Building 3? Those were truly fun times. Remember when I used to get annoyed that you were going to bed early when I had to do Korean hw? Or remember all the fun I had dressing you up really pretty and putting a ton of makeup on you before those dates you had with Eric(Chevron dude)? Yeah, I love you for it. You've been a great friend, and although things have changed between us, we have a great history together that no one can take away and I will treasure forever deep in my heart. And I am just a phone call away, Jen. (Although we know how bad I can be answering my phone!)
Tony, we have become so close over the last year and I am so hurt and sad that I won't be able to hang with you all the time. You're also very dear to my heart, and my heart truly goes out to you because you have one of the purest and most dear hearts I know. You are a true angel, in every sense of the word. YOu work nonstop to make other feel welcome and loved, and at times still get taken advantage of when people don't understand what you're trying to do. But I know.... I know what's truly in your heart. You are a kindred spirit of mine. A person that I know can remain my friend forever, and who will stick with me in the most difficult hour. Anyone that ends up with you is the luckiest person in the whole world. I know it.
We've also been through a lot together. From the whole traumatic experience I had with Jenny and the Cheesecake incident to when I almost broke my ankle wearing my high heels...when and where was that anyways? Hmmm.... Remember going to Costco and almost killing ourselves? Wait! was that thing that happened on the bus? Oh, remember when I was trying to bring down the suitcase and I almost killed myself when my face ran into my own suitcase on the way off the bus? Ha ha. Or when I dropped the freakin' fat suitcase on my foot, which was only clad by a very small thong? Ouch! Yeah. OR all those fun times we had cooking together, and the huge mess that we made that i usually had to clean up? Yeah, you know what I mean. And not to mention so many of your significant others you've gone through from the moment I knew you and how it was all a mystery to all of us, what it was that you were doing exactly in Walnut Creek. (I think this is better left unsaid. Hee hee). I love you Tony. I will always be here for you, really. I believe that you will do great things in life, because you're amazing and so intelligent--really.
Kinman, you're the most unexpected person that I thought would end up being a close friend of mine. When I first met you, I thought you'd be the last person that I would be friends with. I guess first impressions are bad, because you have ended up being one of the coolest and most fun person I have met this year. You make me laugh all the time with the comments you make, and you very vibrant personality. You are one of the most intelligent people I know, you amaze me. It also amazes me that even while you're so smart, there are a few common sense things you don't know! (hee hee). This is another reason why I love you so much! I have had so much fun hanging out with you and doing all those things we've done over the last year. You have truly been a blessing in my life, and you have touched my heart. I hope we can still keep in touch, because you're so special and I love you too.
Eric, You're also another unexpected, but valued friend of mine over the last year. You've really charmed me with you sharp wit, that at times could be very cutting. Hee hee. Whoever you're with will have to be "whipsmart" as Jesse puts it. But I really feel like I understand you, and even if I don't I don't care.... ha ha. You're so sweet, even if you don't want to admit it. I love your sense of humor and how you make me laugh so hard all the time. You're witty remarks almost kill me with laughter. You're so much fun! and I especially love your little friendship triangle between the three of you, which is something I don't know what to make of, but is certainly something that has made me laugh really hard over the last year. What other people will I be able to meet with the same dynamics as the three of you? Probably no one. I had so much fun that one day Tony and I spend time back home with you. You have a wonderful family and you're a wonderful person that will someday make someone very happy, I know it. I know you have a good heart, even if you have a weird way of showing it. Haa haa. You've made me feel special, and you're really wonderful. I love you and your friendship and I hope we can stay in touch as well.
Well guys, I have had so much fun with you guys and you've filled my non-studying nights at my apartment into a real treat. You've made me feel so loved and cared for, and I will never forget it. Whether it was for my 22 and 1/2 birthday to my graduation, you've all been really great and have been there for me! We will never be able to fill or create a group of friends quite like us, but we will always have each other. Let's never forget what we've had together and never let go. I love you all very much....
Two more hours til my final... I still can't sleep.
So many signs over the last two days.... Why didn't I see them? The unhappy tone of his voice whilst I was animated. Or the broken interpol button pin? Or the fact that I covered the picture of Jesse and I.... Or the fact that yesterday I randomly sang, "I'm alright, I'm alright... It only hurts when I breathe? I should have known this was going to happen. I was so blind and stupid. It hurts.
I feel like a complete idiot. What woman can't hold on to her man? What the hell is wrong with me anyways? I would really like to know. Can anyone tell me?
I really love him.... He means everything to me. Isn't that enough. Is there anyone out there that still believes in endless love? Does love and compatability have to go hand in hand?
Today My boyfriend broke up with me. I wonder why this kind of thing is always so difficult. I mean, my head is telling me so many things like...you're doing the right thing. This is not meant to be. There is someone out there for me that is more suited for me. I am so sad. I am so devastated. I am alone. Sleeping in an empty house. This is really symbolic in a way. The first night that I am completely alone in this apartment is the first night that I am away from him.... I wish I could just accept and understand that we aren't right for each other, but all I can think of is how much my heart is hurting right now. Today I take my last final that I'll ever take as an Undergraduate from Berkeley, yet I only feel sadness and loneliness and pain...neverending pain. Could this please be taken away? I am so sad, I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. I have noone. And I know that I did it to myself. Yeah, well all the emptiness of feeling I had is gone now, and replaced with an endless supply of pain. This is what I asked for. Well I got it. Somehow I don't feel that comforted. I am so sad.... I will never let anyone hurt me like this ever again. This I vow.
I wish I could feel again. Why is it that I can't make myself perfect? I try and try so hard, and it really feels as if I'm getting nowhere. What the hell. I worked so hard over the last two years to protect myself from getting taken advantage of; from letting others in too close so that they couldn't hurt me. What the hell, now I don't feel anything. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle area, not completely one way or another. Before, I felt too much, and I hurt too easily. Now, I feel nothing.
Today was a super long day. I got HIV tested today, and it was really freaky. It was a really surreal day. First I went with a friend to get her a pregnancy test, and going to get it was weird and scary. Then I went with another friend to a clinic, and decided to get HIV tested myself. How weird. I saw the weirdest videos there, and I was so sure that I didn't have it, but I'm afraid and think that I might have it....just because so many of the people on the video didn't think it could happen to them and it did. Hmmmm....
