So, here I am writing on this blog again. I am still stressing out, especially since I have a 107 term paper due tomorrow that I've barely started working on and I have no idea what to write. Oh boy~ I also have a case due on thursday, a paper due on wednesday and another term paper on tuesday. When will this torture end?
So, It has been forever since I have posted anything on this website. I wonder if anyone reads it anymore? Hmmm. Well anyways here are some random thoughts I have been thinking. Again, this year has gone by so fast, I can't believe that I am graduating soon. Almost ready to be launched into the real world, but not yet emotionally ready. I think I am still a kid. Why does it seem like, I always do stuff backwards?
I have been stressing out lately too. I don't know why. I guess I am stressing out for the fact that everything is changing and I don't feel ready for it. I am so sad lately, and I have no concrete idea. I am working hard to complete this semester and graduate. I guess, the fact that my college life is ending so soon is stressing me out. I don't know if I can handle it. And I have not been able to sleep at all. But the funny thing is that everything is going alright. Well, as best as it ever has, I guess. Ha ha. Well, I am planning to go to Korea, but I took a leap of faith by buying my ticket already. I am leaving on the first of june and not coming back until the 2nd of september. Hopefully that will be enough time to soak up all the culture I ever wanted. But for some unknown reason, I don't feel completely fulfilled, and I can't explain or understand it. I guess more investigative work must be done. The best I can do to explain how I'm feeling is that I seem to be devoid of feeling. Like, there are so many things that upset me, but all I can say is that I can understand if I do feel these things, but I don't actually feel them. What the hell does this mean anyways? Hey, I don't even understand myself. I am sitting right now outside of Jesse's apartment, writing to you at 3:30 am. What the hell am I doing anyway? really? Whoa~ I don't know. I don't think I know anything.
I'm supposed to feel miles ahead of the crowds, you know, now that I almost have a college education, but I don't feel it. If anything, I feel dumber than when I went in in the first place. How the hell is this possible anyway? Gosh, I know you're thinking I'm having a nervous breakdown again or something, but I'm not. I'm just confused. If anything, I wish I was having one, cause then I would be actually experiencing an actual emotion. But at this point and time, I'm experiencing nothing. I don't know anything in the world that would be any more frustrating than what I'm going through right now.
The other day, I freaked out at Jesse, and told him that he doesn't understand me and so forth. OH boy, did I flip out. I guess I've been taking out my insomnia at him or something. The fact that he can't fight his sleepiness and stay up me, means that he doesn't love me or something. Or so I illogically thought to myself. What the hell is wrong with me anyways? I have been thinking alot of my past lately, and the sad thing is that I don't feel anything one way or another, I really think this is the worst thing that can happen to me. I reflect on the sad facts of my past, and it doesn't make me sad or happy. I feel...nothing. There's just a really huge void there, and I can't seem to fill it. The only things I know for sure are: I love Jesse. I love my parents. I love you, the stranger or friend that is reading this and understanding me. And I'm going to take my confused ass to bed soon. I can't handle this anymore. I have a buttload of schoolwork to do by next week. I am going to die. And on top of everything, I have gotten sick today. What the hell is wrong with me? Arghhh...I hope you're week was better than mine. Lucie
