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So, hmmm... needless to say, I am really really behind on this thing... Does anyone even read this? Well, I've been up to no good. So much has happened since I've graduated. Let's see... I will be getting married next year... to a wonderful man... I still don't know what I want to do with my life... but I've made a few really great friends in Korea... Well, that's it folks....

 
Been busy busy busy.... Went bungee jumping the other day... Yesterday I went to a club called Harlem, soooo many black guys, where are they during the daytime? Anyhow, stayed out til 7pm, and almost had a one night stand, but decided against it.... Very very fun... (the club). And I tried something that I've never tried before, but it was... comforting....

 
so... I went on a date today...  It was really refreshing to finally get reminded how wonderful I am... ha ha ha.  It's great to hear compliments about myself again, that was really wonderful.  But, I know I don't need other people's approval to find myself worthy or important....  It's just great to get out and have a nice date again nevertheless.... the wonderful feelings washing over me, the feeling of youth, flirtatious moments and being pampered... ahhhh hmmmm.... it's wonderful.  It was a nice date, I didn't feel pressured to do anything, especially since I made it clear that I was leaving in a month, and I wasn't looking for a long-term relationship or even marriage.  And this time, I won't be convinced otherwise, (one thing I did learn from all that's happened).  What I found really adorable, was that he waited for me in the rain, and when I saw him standing on that step, I got the sweetest impression.  Gosh, this guy is really sweet.  I was running late as usual (ha ha, yeah, isn't that true, Jen and Tony?) and when he called, I apologized, and he later told me that he thought I wasn't coming out...  awwwhhh, isn't that really sweetly sad?...  He is a really honest man, and a really sweet one, and for some reason I find that kind of sweet...  Well, back to the date...  so he took me to the biggest shopping center in Korea, and we watched a movie there, what I find so interesting is that he bought the tickets in advance, but he chose the movie, and well, I thought that was a little weird, but later I find out that he doesn't even like romantic comedies, but he thought I would like it, so he picked it, isn't that oddly sweet?  Well, then he took me to the park, and he wanted to take pictures of me... ha ha...  Then we drove like 1 1/2 just to have the best hot Korean style stew... pretty cool, but another cute thing is that he couldn't find it right away and we drove around for a while longer, and while we ate, he didn't say anything, and I oddly wasn't uncomfortable...  I felt pretty comfortable with him, actually.  Well, then he took me home in time for me to watch my soap... ha ha.  An 8 hour date that didn't seem like it was that long...  Well, I know for sure I don't want to fall in love just yet, but it's great to remember how wonderful and sweet I am... ha ha ha, are you guys laughing right about now?  Well, I'm not sure if I mentioned I will be teaching starting tomorrow, so I must now go to bed...  Sweet Dreams guys, whereever you are...

 
Hey Guys,

Sorry it's taken so long to get this thing updated...  It's pretty busy here, I went on a trip down to the countryside, where there are a ton of rivers, some full of mud and some are beaches, it's really like a picture here, sooo beautiful.  I had so much fun hanging out with my Cousins here, and mountain climbing ( I thought I was going to die)  ha ha.  but i was okay, there were some pretty intense sections that I had to climb using a rope and it was scary looking down, thinking that one wrong step could result in my instant and unexpected fall to my death, ouch! Pretty intense, but soooo much fun.  After my very intense adventure, I fell down with total body exhaustion...  Oh, how nice to feel completely and utterly spent, almost like what it feels like after... well, I'm sure you know. 

A friend asked me to go bungee jumping with him, but... I'm a little scared, what if I get paralyzed?  Ha ha.  Well, I've also gotten a part time job to fill the daytime, since everyone that I know is pretty busy then...  I will be teaching an intensive English course to 10 little first graders.  Yikes...  I'm a little scared, and I start on Monday, so cross your fingers for me.  Well, I miss you guys a ton, and I wish I could go back to Berkeley for good, but as of now, I don't know where I'll end up exactly.  I trust everything is well? 

 
Today I met a new friend online, for once I found one that can speak English really well. He seems interesting enough. He even showed me a link to his website with pictures of him on it, and he's pretty good looking. We haven't decided when to meet yet, but we will be talking on the phone soon. Hmmm.... How weird and how safe is it to meet someone on the internet these days? Well, and in Korea. I'm not too scared. What the hell, it's not like young kids here drive around cars or anything, so, we would always be taking public transportation, and well, we'll probably meet at a coffee shop or something, well, if any of you have any suggestions on where to meet this new guy, and what to do, let me know.... except for some reason I can't log into my blog website itself, so I can't read any of your comments, so you'll have to wait. It's weird, I can't log into any website that has the ending (blogspot.com) for some reason, except that doesn't make sense, since I can log into Jennifer's.
Well, nothing really new going on here, trying to keep busy taking Korean lessons, teaching Korean, exercising, and enjoying my extended family's company before I have to leave. Does anyone have a suggestion on what present I should get my little niece who's turning two? Hmmm... Anyhow, pray guys that I don't get lost on the subway, which is confusing in terms of what direction to take, but I will try to be strong... ha ha and make it safe and sound to where the party is, and later to meet the new guy... Will it be awkward? We'll see. Well, I miss you all so much! Tony, I hope everything is going alright with you... Jennifer, how is your internship? I trust everything is perfect? Kinman, you're probably good as always... Eric, same ole? Well, take care guys, and love you lots... Muah Muah....

 
I went to a large feast in honor of my grandmother's brother's wife, who is that to me anyways? It was really cool, I got to meet family on my grandmother's side, which I'm not sure, I guess that's my dad's side. I have been going through a culture shock, for sure. I am realizing more and more that I don't belong anywhere. I guess this sounds much bleaker than I actually mean, but well, what I mean is that I'm not completely American and I'm not completely Korean. Staying here in my motherland is confusing me even more. I'm realizing the stark contrast between how people operate here, and what people believe, and it is bringing doubt into what I consider as the truth. As a little girl, I remember vowing to myself that I would always consider every angle when making a decision, and with this onslaught of new ideas flooding me, I am having an interesting time interpreting and absorbing everything.

For example, my belief to date has always been to marry the one that you love more than life itself. To hold these standards and romantic ideals when it comes to love, to the point that you would end up alone if that perfect one never appeared. But of course there's always the faith that the one will show itself... But, spending time here with my married cousins and absorbing their way of life, I wonder what love really is and how it actually manifests itself in married life? I mean, yeah I've grown up in American society and I've watched the tv programs and been around "normal" American families, and I've learned that that romantic love is what Americans are supposed to seek. And when the love fades, parents rarely stay married for the kids. And well, it is almost the same in Korea in the sense that people are looking for love and they want to marry for love, so the principles of romantic love are present. But once marriage takes place, it is not always the same, especially when a child is born. But what I'm wondering is: Is this change that married couples that have once loved each other wildly a change that takes place because of Korean culture or because its is a normal change that all couples go through no matter what their upbringing is?

I started thinking this once I had a conversation with my cousin that has a two year old daughter. I guess I also can't try to assume the she is a representative sample of Korean culture, but I am picking this attitude in almost every couple I encounter here, and also Korean couples back home. So it is sufficient enough for me to question this. Anyhow, she said that she did love her husband before they were married. I mean, they were a courting based marriage instead of an arranged introduction marriage. But she said that the love that we originally feel for our partners is at the beginning a full pie, but in time when a child is born, a part of the father's love pie is taken away and given to the child. And when the next child in born and then the next and then the next, the love for the husband is again proportionally taken away and given to the child, instead of splitting the love existing from the first child between the other children being created. What does all this mean? Does all this mean the dark stark truth? Or is it just a different way of looking at it, but the essential result or conclusion is the same? And who is to say that this is a wrong way to live and love? I mean, love is love, whoever you give it to. Korean culture seems to devote a whole lot to the children; I mean, parents are willing to risk life and limb for their children, and well, children come before spouses. Americans seem to devote a lot to their partners and the large divorce percentage attests to this fact. But who is to say that loving a partner more or loving a child more is right or wrong? Awwwwhhhhh, I just don't know....

 
I am finally getting over Jesse.... I am feeling a little better, a little more independent, a little more sure of myself... A little more content... and hopeful for the future...

 
I've been exchanging emails with my cousin that resides in Southern Korea, in the suburbs. It's been pretty fun writing back and forth, what with him writing me in Korean, and me writing in English. I guess I could attempt to write in Korean, but hey, since he's younger than me, it would be embarrassing enough to know that my Korean spelling is just terrible... so I ended up writing in English. But I guess I made him suffer for like an hour and a half looking up my email with a dictionary... ha ha ha... But it was really great talking to him, I recently went down to the suburbs to visit him and his family... let's see, he's related to me through my dad's side, his dad is my dad's older brother, and well he is two years younger than me and his brother is the same age as I am. He lives where the Lee family cememtary is located, it is where my parents will rest once they pass away, and where my grandfather, great grandfather and great great grandfather, and great great great grandfather rest today, well with their wives. I had the weirdest feeling when I climbed up the little hill to their burial site... Almost like I'd finally made it home... I can't explain it completely, it's as if my heart has finally found one thing it's been yearning for... what after so many years... it's a wonderfully emotional cleansing experience... as if I'd been waiting for this all my life... To know that I am not alone in the world, that I actually have so many relatives, even ones that are so distant, is truly reassuring... It's great to finally connect with my roots.
When I went down to the suburbs, they also showed me my family tree, it's really incredible, did you know that there are ten volumes of our family tree? I was so excited to see it! And I'm in it too! I guess in my granfather's day, the women never appeared in the books, the wives were just recorded as descendants of their last name, but their first name was never mentioned, wow, how times have changed, but there is a long way to go, I'm sure. I also finally figured out what the chinese characters to my name is. Pretty cool. And on my grandpa's tombstone, I'm written as a descendant... That's so cool, I'll be remembered forever... This sense of family is so important to me... I'm so lucky to have family, and especially family that was able to risk everything solely for their children's opportunities.... I love my family and my friends dearly... Especially, Jesse, Jennifer, Tony, Kinman and Eric... And all my high school friends... And my oldest best friend, Rita, may your baby be born big and strong--but not too big for you to birth her, alright? I love and miss you guys dearly....

 
Today I snapped at a close friend of mine... I feel really bad and I shouldn't have done it, but for once, I think I'm turning into a real human being, what, one that can make mistakes and one that can finally think about herself.

And I had a special reason why I got so upset, well, I got up extra early hoping to get a hold of that person, and one thing that I find so hard to do is expecting people to put out as much as I put out. But I guess I shouldn't hold the other responsible for the actionst that I choose to take. I snapped, and I am angry, Gosh, why the hell do can't I ever control myself around people that I've learned to get attached to completely? It's like, I know that they love me, so I can unload as much of myself upon that person as I need to, and that person should accept it. Why? Well, because I would do no less. I would give that and much, much more for that person...

I have been particularly worried, because I found out today that I have a medical condition. A condition that is not for certain yet, but could led to some serious health problems down the line. it could be something serious now, more test must be done. I am so scared... and he wasn't there for me... And I am the fool for thinking that he would be... always hoping that he would come through, because I believed... But there is nothing for certain and dependable in life, but oneself....

 
Today I snapped at a close friend of mine.... I didn't mean to do it, but I guess it just came out... I was upset since I had woken up early hoping to get a hold of that person, and I even sent word that I was available, but I was ignored. Or so it felt like that. It's really not my place to expect things like this in return. More accurately, I shouldn't go so out of my way for anyone, or else I end up regretting it.

I was particularly upset this time about all this because I found out that I have a medical condition. I really wanted to tell this person that I thought cared about me deeply. I'm not sure exactly to what extent this potential problem goes, but it has me very scared. It could be an easy problem to fix, or it could be a lot larger. And this is why I wanted to tell that person that I cared about what was going on. What's the point of working so hard in your life, if you are at risk for some life threatening disease and you can die mid-effort?

Even if that person cares about you, it's hard to fulfill every need that might arise. And this is something that I must learn to accept. It's hard to come to the realization that you can't depend on anyone... well, I think it is hardest to swallow the pill when you're directly in a situation that no one is there for you. This is a lesson that I seem to forget a lot. Or is it something that I have never learned? Why is this such a hard lesson to learn for me? Why can't I ever find a happy medium in my life? It's always, either all the way, or none at all. Either I don't need anyone, or I need one person with desperation... god damnit!

This is why I don't want to get involved with anyone in the future to this degree. I can't seem to ever moderate it well. I passionately love with all my being, but after the fact, I end up a burnt out piece of ash. And since I can't monitor it well, and frankly, I'm not sure if I ever want to love in a lukewarm fashion... what fun is there in that? So am I destined to love no one without risking everything of myself? I guess I can only hope that the inner me will be strong enough, and it has been the three times I've loved to distraction, to stand having my heart ripped out, however unintentional. But if the trend continues of the love I feel for these people deepening with each new instance, and the recovery time being more difficult and taking longer each time, will I be able to recover the next time? Will all this be worth it in the end? Will the end, be really worth the risk? It's always so easy to say all of these things in hindsight, what after you have the "one" within your grasp, but, I don't know if I want to live as a shell of a person due to the heartbreak I endured~ No, this is my true fear.

But what of the opposite fear? What if I never find the truly special one, and I end up just settling? Or, what if the one that I think is the one, really isn't? Or scarier still, what if I don't choose "the one" that really is "the one," and I end up alone? So many fears, so little answers, and too many options. I guess I can go on about what ifs forever. I can only hope that I will still hope, for that is the only thing that I can hold on to and go on....

 
One thing I learned since graduating for sure...

Don't trust anyone.... not completely... No one is completely dependable, and emotions and circumstances change... I can only depend and count on myself....

 
A really big day for me is approaching on the day after tomorrow...and it's not the movie!!!

 
I talked to Jen today... What a nasty picture she sent me... I visited Korea University today. It is very beautiful and their shrubbery is so deep forest green and tranquil... Well, besides all of the buzz outside in the city... I went to the business school... Oh, I took pictures of the business school over here, I thought you'd like to see it Kinman... I will upload it here as soon as I can...

 
I woke up really late today... 11 am, and I have this feeling of guilt, like I could have been doing something important or something... I wonder why? Anyhow... Should I get a job with an international firm that also operates in Korea? I want to stay close with my relatives, I've come to love my niece very much... And I would like to watch her grow up...

 
Today is a new day... I feel really good... Like it's been a very long time since I felt this contentment... I am hopeful it will last... I am free...

 
I'm sleepy. I'm a little sad.... My little heart needs mending....

 
Yesterday, I went to the hospital to check on my little nephew. The little one is so strong, he almost punched me in the face once. And he didn't like me in the beginning, but he liked it when I kissed his toes. It is so weird that I'm at an age that I could be someone's little aunt. I actually have a bunch of nieces and nephews. Let's see. Just counting the kids from my dad's oldest brother, I count 5 little kids. Wow. I think they're so adorable. Tomorrow I will meet my other aunt from my mom's side. Let's see. I'm trying to get all these things straight. My dad has 6 siblings. And my mother has 7. So I have a ton of cousins and nieces/nephews all together.

My oldest uncle, who I am now staying with is about 60 years old. Wow, but he still has a head full of black hair. Did I mention before that he has a strong resemblance to my dad? He's really wonderful. He bought me my favorite food last night, and it was really good. Mmmmm.... Everything here is so different. I really love staying here. It is so busy and there are so many people out there. Big buildings and thousands and thousands of people. I can't say that I fit in completely, because I'm American through and through, but it's great to reconnect with family here. I finally feel like I come from something, and that I'm not alone. I'm excited. I miss all of you guys back home though. I will see you all very soon....

 
Hey guys!

Wow, so this is my first post from Korea. I'm so happy to be here. I didn't realize how wonderful it could feel to be with family. My own, my very own family. I didn't realize how much I wanted one for so long. I finally have people that will forever be mine through blood. This is the most amazing feeling ever. Watching Korean tv, and hanging out with my younger cousin from my Dad's side is really cool. I didn't realize how different our customs are. I mean, of course growing up in a Korean family, I know the basics and everything, but I guess you never really have a good idea of what and who you really are until you visit your mother country. There are a ton of things that I don't really know about where I'm from. This trip is really helping. It's really odd. As soon as I got off the plane, or I should say that it was even when I got on the plane that everything seemed so surreal. I was hearing Korean spoken and watching the signs in Korean and I started to get the feeling of total unfamiliarity. Gosh, living in America is so limiting. I mean all of the media and everything that we hear is so slanted and biased in favor of America. Here in Korea, I see a bunch of American channels broadcast as well, and I am surprised. Anyhow, I'm not saying that hate America, I am an American or at least part of my heart is, But we need to be aware that there are other things, ideas, beliefs elsewhere.

Anyhow, yesterday was a pretty low key day. I slept for a while and I met and hung out with my youngest daughter of my oldest uncle from my father's side. That was very cool. Anyways, later on I hung out with her husband and we had a couple of beers, it was very fun. I got to hang out with someone that was related to me!!! I can't tell you how much this means to me. To feel like you're not completely alone in the world. I hope to see the rest of my cousins and stuff. It's really great. I miss all of you, especially Jesse, Jennifer, Tony, Kinman, and Eric. I hope you're all doing well.

 
I recently dug up a letter I wrote to someone and I thought I'd share a part of it with you all. Here it is.

I realized that the guilt was eating me alive. That is why I was in such a depression last year. NO, no, nobody told me this. I just did a lot of meditation while I was at the retreat. It was great. I realized that in pursuing what I called security, I was pursuing money and choosing that over my happiness and what I may truly be called to do. I just had to realize what was going on. So I felt bewildered into not liking what I was doing, and not being able to concentrate and just get through it. I guess my mindset back then wasn’t I just have to get through this stuff for one year, my heart or my true self thought I was roped into pursuing a career in some form of business that I don’t find appealing.

I don’t know. The retreat really helped me feel better about just doing what I want to do. I just had to let go of the assumption #1 that I am going to be stuck doing something boring just because it makes a lot of money. Or assumption #2 that just because I don’t do business, I won’t make any money. I don’t think that is true anymore.

My goal now is to just pursue what makes me happy. And business is just a tool that will help me get to where I want to go. I just have to finish this year not only because it’s the road that I have chosen, but also because it’s going to help me accomplish my ultimate goals in life. Just because I graduate from business school doesn’t mean I have to have a boring business life. I am going to pursue something fun. Something that I’m great at…. Something that I can apply my creativity to and succeed—be all that I can be.

Right now I feel a little more in control of my life. I know what I have to do. I know that I don’t’ have to do everything, that I am in complete control of certain aspects of my life. I am in control of my actions and how they may affect others. I am also aware of my choice of finishing school or not. Yeah, if I really hate it, I can quit. Right now if I wanted to. But you know what, I’m not going to, because I want to succeed. I don’t want to give up my hard work and start all over, when I don’t even know if that’s going to lead to what I want to do anyways. So I will continue. It’s going to be really really hard. But I feel confident now, because I have my determination and will to do it. That’s what feels so great. This is what makes me feel so happy and on track.

 
It is nearing the day that I leave for Korea and the day that I leave behind all my very dear Berkeley friends. I didn't think this was going to be be as hard as it actually is. But it is odd to think that all of this "hardship" is actually just going on in my head, and internally so noone can actually notice it. I have done a ton of self reflecting lately and I realize how much I love all of you.

This is especially to Jennifer, the first truly weird, but interesting person that I met at the dorms (ha ha), and one of the most witty and fun loving persons I know. You are an absolute comic angel. You have truly been there for me when I needed you, and I thank you. Remember all those trips to the Tang? or those late nights that we stayed up together talking about nonsense, or those times that I stayed up crying all night because I was upset over something or other and you were there for me? Yeah, I remember and will always remember those fun times we've had together.

How about all those fun times we had burning Roger's shoes? Or when we all confronted him as a group and I told him that he was a "Funnnnccckinnnn' Coward...aaaa fuccker!" for lack of a better explitive. Ha ha. I remember. OR those fun times I had holding your hair when you puked over every single toilet on the third floor of Clark Kerr, Building 3? Those were truly fun times. Remember when I used to get annoyed that you were going to bed early when I had to do Korean hw? Or remember all the fun I had dressing you up really pretty and putting a ton of makeup on you before those dates you had with Eric(Chevron dude)? Yeah, I love you for it. You've been a great friend, and although things have changed between us, we have a great history together that no one can take away and I will treasure forever deep in my heart. And I am just a phone call away, Jen. (Although we know how bad I can be answering my phone!)

Tony, we have become so close over the last year and I am so hurt and sad that I won't be able to hang with you all the time. You're also very dear to my heart, and my heart truly goes out to you because you have one of the purest and most dear hearts I know. You are a true angel, in every sense of the word. YOu work nonstop to make other feel welcome and loved, and at times still get taken advantage of when people don't understand what you're trying to do. But I know.... I know what's truly in your heart. You are a kindred spirit of mine. A person that I know can remain my friend forever, and who will stick with me in the most difficult hour. Anyone that ends up with you is the luckiest person in the whole world. I know it.

We've also been through a lot together. From the whole traumatic experience I had with Jenny and the Cheesecake incident to when I almost broke my ankle wearing my high heels...when and where was that anyways? Hmmm.... Remember going to Costco and almost killing ourselves? Wait! was that thing that happened on the bus? Oh, remember when I was trying to bring down the suitcase and I almost killed myself when my face ran into my own suitcase on the way off the bus? Ha ha. Or when I dropped the freakin' fat suitcase on my foot, which was only clad by a very small thong? Ouch! Yeah. OR all those fun times we had cooking together, and the huge mess that we made that i usually had to clean up? Yeah, you know what I mean. And not to mention so many of your significant others you've gone through from the moment I knew you and how it was all a mystery to all of us, what it was that you were doing exactly in Walnut Creek. (I think this is better left unsaid. Hee hee). I love you Tony. I will always be here for you, really. I believe that you will do great things in life, because you're amazing and so intelligent--really.

Kinman, you're the most unexpected person that I thought would end up being a close friend of mine. When I first met you, I thought you'd be the last person that I would be friends with. I guess first impressions are bad, because you have ended up being one of the coolest and most fun person I have met this year. You make me laugh all the time with the comments you make, and you very vibrant personality. You are one of the most intelligent people I know, you amaze me. It also amazes me that even while you're so smart, there are a few common sense things you don't know! (hee hee). This is another reason why I love you so much! I have had so much fun hanging out with you and doing all those things we've done over the last year. You have truly been a blessing in my life, and you have touched my heart. I hope we can still keep in touch, because you're so special and I love you too.

Eric, You're also another unexpected, but valued friend of mine over the last year. You've really charmed me with you sharp wit, that at times could be very cutting. Hee hee. Whoever you're with will have to be "whipsmart" as Jesse puts it. But I really feel like I understand you, and even if I don't I don't care.... ha ha. You're so sweet, even if you don't want to admit it. I love your sense of humor and how you make me laugh so hard all the time. You're witty remarks almost kill me with laughter. You're so much fun! and I especially love your little friendship triangle between the three of you, which is something I don't know what to make of, but is certainly something that has made me laugh really hard over the last year. What other people will I be able to meet with the same dynamics as the three of you? Probably no one. I had so much fun that one day Tony and I spend time back home with you. You have a wonderful family and you're a wonderful person that will someday make someone very happy, I know it. I know you have a good heart, even if you have a weird way of showing it. Haa haa. You've made me feel special, and you're really wonderful. I love you and your friendship and I hope we can stay in touch as well.

Well guys, I have had so much fun with you guys and you've filled my non-studying nights at my apartment into a real treat. You've made me feel so loved and cared for, and I will never forget it. Whether it was for my 22 and 1/2 birthday to my graduation, you've all been really great and have been there for me! We will never be able to fill or create a group of friends quite like us, but we will always have each other. Let's never forget what we've had together and never let go. I love you all very much....

 
Two more hours til my final... I still can't sleep.

 
So many signs over the last two days.... Why didn't I see them? The unhappy tone of his voice whilst I was animated. Or the broken interpol button pin? Or the fact that I covered the picture of Jesse and I.... Or the fact that yesterday I randomly sang, "I'm alright, I'm alright... It only hurts when I breathe? I should have known this was going to happen. I was so blind and stupid. It hurts.

 
I feel like a complete idiot. What woman can't hold on to her man? What the hell is wrong with me anyways? I would really like to know. Can anyone tell me?

 
I really love him.... He means everything to me. Isn't that enough. Is there anyone out there that still believes in endless love? Does love and compatability have to go hand in hand?

 
Today My boyfriend broke up with me. I wonder why this kind of thing is always so difficult. I mean, my head is telling me so many things like...you're doing the right thing. This is not meant to be. There is someone out there for me that is more suited for me. I am so sad. I am so devastated. I am alone. Sleeping in an empty house. This is really symbolic in a way. The first night that I am completely alone in this apartment is the first night that I am away from him.... I wish I could just accept and understand that we aren't right for each other, but all I can think of is how much my heart is hurting right now. Today I take my last final that I'll ever take as an Undergraduate from Berkeley, yet I only feel sadness and loneliness and pain...neverending pain. Could this please be taken away? I am so sad, I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. I have noone. And I know that I did it to myself. Yeah, well all the emptiness of feeling I had is gone now, and replaced with an endless supply of pain. This is what I asked for. Well I got it. Somehow I don't feel that comforted. I am so sad.... I will never let anyone hurt me like this ever again. This I vow.

 
I wish I could feel again. Why is it that I can't make myself perfect? I try and try so hard, and it really feels as if I'm getting nowhere. What the hell. I worked so hard over the last two years to protect myself from getting taken advantage of; from letting others in too close so that they couldn't hurt me. What the hell, now I don't feel anything. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle area, not completely one way or another. Before, I felt too much, and I hurt too easily. Now, I feel nothing.

 
Today was a super long day. I got HIV tested today, and it was really freaky. It was a really surreal day. First I went with a friend to get her a pregnancy test, and going to get it was weird and scary. Then I went with another friend to a clinic, and decided to get HIV tested myself. How weird. I saw the weirdest videos there, and I was so sure that I didn't have it, but I'm afraid and think that I might have it....just because so many of the people on the video didn't think it could happen to them and it did. Hmmmm....

 
So, here I am writing on this blog again. I am still stressing out, especially since I have a 107 term paper due tomorrow that I've barely started working on and I have no idea what to write. Oh boy~ I also have a case due on thursday, a paper due on wednesday and another term paper on tuesday. When will this torture end?

 
So, It has been forever since I have posted anything on this website. I wonder if anyone reads it anymore? Hmmm. Well anyways here are some random thoughts I have been thinking. Again, this year has gone by so fast, I can't believe that I am graduating soon. Almost ready to be launched into the real world, but not yet emotionally ready. I think I am still a kid. Why does it seem like, I always do stuff backwards?
I have been stressing out lately too. I don't know why. I guess I am stressing out for the fact that everything is changing and I don't feel ready for it. I am so sad lately, and I have no concrete idea. I am working hard to complete this semester and graduate. I guess, the fact that my college life is ending so soon is stressing me out. I don't know if I can handle it. And I have not been able to sleep at all. But the funny thing is that everything is going alright. Well, as best as it ever has, I guess. Ha ha. Well, I am planning to go to Korea, but I took a leap of faith by buying my ticket already. I am leaving on the first of june and not coming back until the 2nd of september. Hopefully that will be enough time to soak up all the culture I ever wanted. But for some unknown reason, I don't feel completely fulfilled, and I can't explain or understand it. I guess more investigative work must be done. The best I can do to explain how I'm feeling is that I seem to be devoid of feeling. Like, there are so many things that upset me, but all I can say is that I can understand if I do feel these things, but I don't actually feel them. What the hell does this mean anyways? Hey, I don't even understand myself. I am sitting right now outside of Jesse's apartment, writing to you at 3:30 am. What the hell am I doing anyway? really? Whoa~ I don't know. I don't think I know anything.

I'm supposed to feel miles ahead of the crowds, you know, now that I almost have a college education, but I don't feel it. If anything, I feel dumber than when I went in in the first place. How the hell is this possible anyway? Gosh, I know you're thinking I'm having a nervous breakdown again or something, but I'm not. I'm just confused. If anything, I wish I was having one, cause then I would be actually experiencing an actual emotion. But at this point and time, I'm experiencing nothing. I don't know anything in the world that would be any more frustrating than what I'm going through right now.

The other day, I freaked out at Jesse, and told him that he doesn't understand me and so forth. OH boy, did I flip out. I guess I've been taking out my insomnia at him or something. The fact that he can't fight his sleepiness and stay up me, means that he doesn't love me or something. Or so I illogically thought to myself. What the hell is wrong with me anyways? I have been thinking alot of my past lately, and the sad thing is that I don't feel anything one way or another, I really think this is the worst thing that can happen to me. I reflect on the sad facts of my past, and it doesn't make me sad or happy. I feel...nothing. There's just a really huge void there, and I can't seem to fill it. The only things I know for sure are: I love Jesse. I love my parents. I love you, the stranger or friend that is reading this and understanding me. And I'm going to take my confused ass to bed soon. I can't handle this anymore. I have a buttload of schoolwork to do by next week. I am going to die. And on top of everything, I have gotten sick today. What the hell is wrong with me? Arghhh...I hope you're week was better than mine. Lucie

 
Gosh, I am so sorry it's taken me this long to update my stuff. I have been pretty busy, starting my new internship and all. And I have had to do a lot of reflecting upon the last year that I spent in Berkeley. Oh and not to mention that I had been out of commission for a while too since my dear little 5 year old cousin decided to spray fabric softener on my laptop. Uh huh, yeah, the whole damn thing was drenched. And even after it's been fixed, finally, it still smells mountain breeze fresh. Oh and to top it all off, this stupid new screen that I have has a dead pixel on it. Yay! that's the best ever. And I have gotten hired by one other Smith Barney money manager to help her with her research so I'm pretty excited that this original non-paying internship has turned into a paying one with my hard work. I wish I had better news to give than that. I am still working on trying to lose weight. But I am definitely going to do it, I owe it to myself.

 
Okay, nothing really new is going on in my life right now. I, um, don't seem to be so interested in going out anymore. I wonder why? Am I getting really old? Am I finally coming full circle and getting away from being immature and facing reality and maturity now? Hmmm....

 
Sorry it's taken me so long to update my blog, I've been pretty busy, but here's how I measured up on Dante's Inferno test. Hee hee. I didn't even make it to purgatory!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

 
Hmmm, today is the day I have to finish doing my financial analysis of the Circuit City Annual reports. It's kinda exciting that I'm doing a real project involving my own analysis but I'm a little scared at the same time. It's only me and this other girl that actually might know what we're doing. Two of the other people are barely doing their work. So I'm worried. ARghh. Anyways, I should get back to it soon.
MMmmm, I saw Secretary today, it was very disturbing. I mean, you should see it. It made me wonder what the hell was going through their heads--but they're very much the weird type. I mean the whole masochist and sadist type. I guess people really have their kinkiness and methods of getting off. Wow, but I swear anytime I watch any James Spader movie, I get this really disturbed feeling, he's always playing a man with a really kinky way of getting off. Do you guys remember the movie, "Crash" Yeah, that was also another weird movie about people needing to get off by having sex in dangerous situations, especially in cars. Wow, that was way back in the day. Being 21, i feel really odd now, almost like I should be so completely different now, but I'm still much the same, but not so. I guess I don't really make sense right now. I'm pretty tired. I'm going back to work. HOpefully, I'll update soon, but I'm super busy right now. See ya.

 
Well, I took my Managerial accounting midterm today. It went okay, except I was really sleepy and I blanked out on a question for a second. I think I did alright. I'm glad it's over.

Except, today I have more pressing matters to think about. I got asked by a random bum lady for money and for some reason I felt so incredibly bad. I can't really explain why I felt so bad when I saw her, since I've been approached by these people countless of times before. Granted, when I first got to Berkeley, I gave money to everyone that asked and I just had to toughen myself up and deny them stuff, especially when I saw bums sharing a bottle of vodka in the middle of the day. But today, it hurt to see her. I almost wanted to cry. I felt like my heart was being wrenched from me and squeezed. I wanted to take the little asian woman home with me and make her something to eat. I just kept thinking that she could be my mother. That it is so sad that she doesn't even have anyone to take care of her. What would happen if my mother was on the streets and nobody helped her. I don't know. I just....dont' know....

 
Well, it felt good to dance--it's been a while since I've danced like that. I miss feeling the music shoot straight to the small of my spine and all the way down to my tippy toes and to the tips of my fingertips to the top of my head and have it send chills radiating all over my body. It feels sooo good. I love the way my body feels when it moves with the music. It truly is a unique feeling. Something that can't even be put into words, and something that can't be felt by anyone unless they completely, fully surrender. Surrender to the heady, steady beat of the bass as your body moves to it, and simultaneously have your spirits lifted from the lyrics or tune of the music. It's truly amazing. It's beautiful.... The emotions that you are feeling inside, like the trapped little feeling I get sometimes, is erased temporarily when I dance. But the urgency of it can never go away. So when I move, I move with urgency as if something was chasing me, as if the trapped little feeling was trying to inch it's way back into my body, while my mind is trying to keep it at bay.

 
Okay, I'm back. I got about 2 hours of sleep last night since I decided to procrastinate as usual and study for my intermediate financial accounting class last minute. I did pretty well, except for the annuity question, couldn't remember the formula for the life of me!! Argh, it's worth 8 points too. I have one down and two more midterms to go for this week. It really is amazing, what you can actually accomplish by studing even just half a day in advance. I actually started to study Saturday night, and I am very proud of myself. Hee hee. But my slacker days must stop or else I'll flunk out of school--really. I guess if I had started studying on Friday, like I planned I would have gotten more sleep last night, hmmmm..... Oh, it's cool. I had a blast. I met up a friend of mine at a Frat party and I had loads of fun. They had a pretty decent DJ and the party got moving around 11 which is around the time I got there. They didn't run out of alcohol, which is a definite plus. I didn't know I could get drunk off of just 4 MGDs. I mean, I thought I could handle my alchy but I guess I couldn't. After the party got broken up around 1 am, some of my friends and I crashed right away. I didn't even realize that I passed out on my bed right next to a very good friend of mine, all interwined and stuff. Hee hee. But completely innocent--I swear, my roommate will vouch for me. :-D

 
I will try to update this as often as I can.

 
Hmmm, well, it's official, I start with Smith Barney in June. Gosh, I am worried since I probably will still have to find a job over the summer. And I am a little disappointed because I wanted to go to Korea this summer too. I guess you can't do everything you want all at once. Gosh, I feel kinda bad that my friend, David, the guy that is actually all into investment banking hasn't gotten a internship yet, and here I have. Well, I guess life isn't fair...but that doesn't mean that I have to like it. I ditched most of my classes today. Just went to Macro, that was all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I seem to be on these up and down swings and they're really starting to piss me off. I think I'm going to get off the pill soon, it's really making me emotional and moody. I really wonder what the hell is really going on in my head. All I want is to be happy. Except, don't exactly know what that is. So, I think I'm going out tonight. Maybe if I dance the night away, I'll forget about all my sorrows. Sorrows, you might say, what the hell type of sorrows would a 21 year old actually have? Yeah, I wonder that all my life.

I wanna know why I'm so unhappy damn it! I think I'm at a crossroad in my life, and I don't know what road to take. All my life, I've been the committed one man type of woman. Actually I was happy with that. Now that I'm at Berkeley and knowing that I only have about a year left to go before I'm officially grown-up, I'm starting to panic. I wanna live life to the fullest. I wanna say when I'm old and gray that I have no regrets and that I've done every thing that I've ever wanted to do. But I guess it's kinda hard having no regrets. I find myself regretting stuff lately. But, damnit I shouldn't and I'm not! I miss him. I hope to see him later on this month, when he comes down. I should just move on. Knowing the circumstances that we're in, I should just move on. I just wanna feel loved.

 
Hmmm... Sorry it's been a while. I had a wonderful Spring Break, hope you guys did too. I ended up going to Cancun for only about two days but that was still fun. It was fun clubbing in Mexico. I had to come home early since I had an interview with Smith Barney but I got the internship!!!!!! Hee hee. I am really looking forward to working there over the summer. I am really excited. I am glad I have something to work towards now, so my classes shouldn't feel like such a chore. Mmmmm, I hope so. I do definitely have to study this week. I have three midterms in one week, again! Umm, let's see. I better get to it....

 
Hey guys, this is my very first blog. I guess my best friend would laugh and say, "Why did you get a blog? No one would read it anyways." "Haa haa, yeah, kiss my ass," I would say. hmm. I hope that this will enable me to share my thoughts with you and hopefully someone can help me figure myself out, since I always seem to be in a confused state of mind anyways. I have been stressing out these last couple of months and I really hope all of you understand why I am that way, and take it easy with me. I have a couple of things I feel guilty about. I feel really bad about what happened with Jenny the other day, but I feel like I did the right thing, by letting her know how I felt. I hope that she can understand however, that what I said was not said in spite, but was in the interest of fairness. I still have to call her and try to explain I suppose. I don't like making people feel bad, but it is a personal effort I am trying to make to make myself stand up for what I believe in. And not be a pushover anymore. I just hope I don't swing completely the other way and end up being a big flamin' bitch.